I'm still early on my path, but so far from where I was a decade ago. Here's a couple of the most important things I have ever learned. This is for those who might be approaching their 20's or 30's, and perhaps for those who are decades on - looking to reflect.
Like anyone, I always had a lot of questions about life, so many questions, most of them took until now to find answers to, some could take forever. My biggest questions normally centered around purpose and meaning. "Why am I here? What is the point? Who am I supposed to be? - in the world, in society, in my family, and most of all, within myself?"
Being someone that didn't really know where they "fit" in life, I tried many things to find my place, before I found myself.
Let me say this: I do not consider myself a genius, I'm not highly educated, and I'm certainly no expert in any field - but I am an expert at being me. My experiences through life have led me into working in the mental health field as a Peer Support Worker (Consumer, Peer Support, Lived Experience) after completing a certificate in Whānau Ora in 2024.
One of the prerequisites for my role - is the Lived Experience part. Which means I have navigated times of mental distress, learned about those times, and can now talk about them with others - hopefully to aid them along their path as well.
The Lesson I Wish I Knew in My 20s: Stop Measuring Things.
Everyone is measuring themselves more and more in today's society, this issue is broad, but let's start by looking externally, then internally.
External measurement robs us of our joy and depletes our personal cup. For some, it starts when we are young and follows us all the way through life, until we start measuring things like our house and car against Sally & Pete's across the road.
Fuck you, Sally and Pete.
Social Media
Something that has become glaringly obvious, is our comparisons through social media. Whoever has the most followers, the best clothes, the nicest holiday, the most "wholesome" the most fit, is normally considered to be winning. I've even seen people trying to out-compete each other in how hurt they are, or how much of a victim they might be - a topic we'll discuss another time.
This social measurement syndrome spans across all things - good and bad. It might come from our modern times, but it has ancient origins. It stems from the human needs to be fed, sheltered and a part of society, but today it has almost morphed into our need to be validated, justified - for our existence to matter to somebody else, in some way or another.
Here's the thing, no matter how hard you try, you can't fill an internal void from the outside.
Our Experiences
On the other hand, it is often found that people who have experienced certain things in life, will go on to expect the same results in the future. Think of the person who tried to start their own business, or chased a fitness target they couldn't reach. Sometimes, they take it really to heart, and in the future go on say things like "been there, done that" or "I'm just not good at ....... "(you fill in the blank)
These people aren't necessarily doing anything wrong - but they are defining their future by their past experiences. Luckily for us, most people will go on to overcome these beliefs and begin again in the future.
Unfortunately, part of being human is having things happen to us. And when we experience adversity, it can really affect us internally. Our self-image, confidence, or our self-esteem. If we spend a lot of time around people with self-limiting beliefs (external) we are likely to absorb them (internal) If we are treated a certain way for a long time, we are likely to end up believing that is how we deserve to be treated. If we didn't have much money growing up, we are likely to believe we will never have much money - and so on. We then usually advance to expecting the same results in the future, after developing our own confirmation bias from our past experiences.
And measuring ourselves, or our future, by our experiences, is a trap - whatever the reasons may be. Confronting that little (but important) voice in our heads can be hard, but the truth is, what we experience in life, is not the total sum of what we will grow to become - or who we already are today. Instead of these things becoming our definition - they can just be pages in our life's larger story.
Against Ourselves
Lastly, measuring our progress too much can equal dissatisfaction with what we are doing, and we can become the project of our own existence - especially if we begin measuring ourselves and our lives as some sort of solvable equation.
"You're measuring everything too much" - Or something like that, is what one of my best advisors told me after I came to them seeking advice. I was far along my own healing journey and wondering why I was feeling lost again. What I didn't realize is that everything I had been doing had become a project, including me.
It's great to set ourselves goals, targets, and things to do and overcome - but what I was doing was ticking off each day and waiting until the next, so I could validate and measure myself against the day before.
That's why I'm on the fence about counting the days of sobriety and such - it becomes such a head-fuck after a while. "I'm 600-something days sober today" - A fantastic achievement, but it is only one day larger than the last. I find that the more I focus on counting the days, the more I realize how much of a "thing" it is, and by surrendering this counting and focusing on today, it feels much more neat, manageable, and less... big.
I was also measuring every project that I was involved in, how many followers I had on social media, how many likes, what the commenters were saying, whether or not my book was finished, how I was doing at work, how many books I was reading, how often I was meditating, exercising, walking the dog, making videos, and the list goes on.
This list looks fantastic compared to my old one - how many standard drinks I could buy per dollar, how many cigarettes to a pack, and if I could afford a night at the club or not (I couldn't)
What I didn't realize is that by measuring all of these practices that fill me up holistically, I was sabotaging my own progress, or - pulling up my own roots to see how watered they are.
The thing is, we cannot measure our growth, purpose, or healing. These are lifetime projects, books that are never fully wrote, and by attempting to fill the pages with lists and checkboxes, we are only creating more work in editing our drafts.
While I was working towards my goals at a fantastic rate, I found that I was often left dissatisfied after completing them. It's like I went from escaping my reality entirely to measuring how meaningful it is - justified by projects, purpose, and doing things.
I was entirely forgetting the being.
So, What Can We Do Instead?
It would be too simple for me to say, "just don't measure yourself mate" (although it would make me giggle) so I'll give you the fat end of the stick, this is how we can pull our heads out of the directors' seat to become the stars of the show.
Shifting The Mindset
It would also be simple for me to say " just stop comparing yourself to others" - so I won't. By all means, do it. Get angry about what they have, and you don't, let it infuriate you; we are going to use this energy as motivational fuel. Here's my 3-step process to shifting from frustration and confusion in life to peace and purpose in existing.
Step 1: Figure out what it is that you actually want.
Start by asking yourself a few questions: What are my big goals? What are the things I want to accomplish in my life? - It's okay if we don't have the answers to these questions right away, they will come in time. If our aim is just to feel better, or stop questioning so much, that's great.
I really incentivize you to try forgetting about the material things for these goals to focus more on personal accomplishments, however, wanting houses, cars, and new tech is perfectly fine, and if that's all you currently want to strive for, let's make it happen.
For some, the big goals might be to have more stable mental health, a job that they like, better relationships, or a sense of meaning and purpose.
Whatever it may be, write it (or them) down. Now picture it in your mind. What does it feel like to sit in the driver's seat of your new car, stand in the entrance to your job or entrepreneurial endeavor, what does it feel like to have stability and peace. What sounds can you hear on the holiday or experience that you will be having? Really try to see yourself there, holding the accomplishment in your reality.
Now, take that big goal and write down a few things that come to mind when I ask you: What can I do RIGHT NOW to start working towards this goal, and what are some small and easy steps that will help me in working up to achieving it?
Step 2: Find out who you are in the process of getting what you want.
Now, we have a rough idea of where we want to go in life, what's next? manifestation? - Not quite, while I do believe entirely in manifestation and the law of attraction, I'm also a firm believer that we must know who we are, and what our raw intentions are made of, before we start actively pursuing the rewards of our desires.
Ask yourself: Who are you to yourself now? Is there anything you need to do to become the person that you imagined achieving those things before? - Were you healthy, happy, focused, more educated, or in a different position in life?
This is the first step to achieving an intentional life. Becoming who we need to be, to achieve what we want to have.
If we see ourselves now as distant from our goals, how will we ever grab them? - If the picture of your life from step one looks different from your current image, how can we bring them closer together?
For me, I pictured somebody that had better mental health, good relationships, a sense of purpose, and projects that were making me happy. And what did I need to get there? I had to start learning about, and developing stronger mental health, focus on what I'm bringing to my relationships (or leaving behind) finding intentional living, and re-directing my habits, career, and projects into things that I actually enjoy.
It sounds simple - but it can be huge work to upend our current highway to re-set it in a new direction. One of the best ways to start - figuring out what are our core values. By knowing ourselves, our core values, we have something that we are actually allowed to measure. We can begin asking ourselves "is this in alignment with my core values?" and this is a much more effective way to shape our future than pulling up the ground from in front of our feet before we walk there.
Try my simple core values exercise here
Step 3: Find ways to be, rather than ways to do / keeping the alignment
Realizing that by living true to our core values and honoring our simplest purpose (or direction) we are living an intentional and purposeful life. That's it, it is that simple. It's just hard to stay that way. Also, remember to also ask yourself things like, "is this goal worthy of me?" to make sure that it is what you really want.
The shift is moving from the measurement of our purpose to the measurement of our fulfillment. We are filling our internal cup rather than an external one - that is the ticket to enjoying our existence. It's not in what we become, but in what we do along the way. This is why breathwork and mindfulness work so well to ground ourselves and our thoughts - they bring us back to the controllable inner reality, rather than the untamable outer reality of the universe.
I have a sticker on the back of my phone - it simply states: Being / Doing, a reminder to myself. Every time I find myself wound up about the future, stressed about outcomes, worried about finances, or what car I'm going to have, it gives me the nudge to consider my being, rather than what my being is doing. Nine times out of ten, it reminds me that I am so much further than I have ever been, and that things will always be okay, as long as I stay true to myself.
So, are you being or doing? And how can you be doing, while you are being? You are so much more than you think, and you don't need to be constantly producing to be worth something.
Go forward with alignment, my friend. I'm going to sign this one off with some key points from my A.I friend so that I can go back to being - Peace.
~J.
Key Points
Stop Measuring Everything: Constant measurement, whether external (e.g., comparing to others) or internal (e.g., evaluating personal progress), can lead to dissatisfaction. Growth and healing are lifelong processes that can't be fully quantified.
Social Media and Comparison: Social media fuels harmful comparisons by showcasing others' highlight reels. True validation and fulfillment must come from within, not from external sources like likes or followers.
Past Experiences Don't Define You: Experiences, especially negative ones, can shape our beliefs about the future, but they are not the sum total of who we are or what we can become. Life is an ongoing story, not a single chapter.
Focus on Being, Not Just Doing: It's easy to get caught up in ticking off goals and achievements, but this can lead to losing touch with the essence of simply being and existing in the present.
The Trap of Self-Measurement: Turning yourself into a "project" or an equation to solve can lead to dissatisfaction. Healing and purpose aren't items to check off a list—they're lifelong evolutions.
Shift from Comparison to Motivation: Instead of letting envy consume you, channel that energy into identifying what you truly want and using it as fuel for growth and progress.
Define Your True Goals: Clarity about what you genuinely want, whether personal or material, is the first step toward a fulfilling life. Visualization and small, actionable steps are key.
Align Your Actions with Your Identity: To achieve your goals, you must align your actions and mindset with the person you envision yourself becoming. The journey requires intentional growth.
Embrace the Power of Small Steps: Success begins with small, manageable actions that build momentum. Each step toward your goal, however small, is meaningful.
Find Purpose in Being Present: True peace comes from living in the moment, surrendering the need to control or measure everything, and finding joy in simply existing.
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