To start a blog, or to not start a blog? - the question that reverberates through me even after taking the leap. For this blog we are going to discuss many things, from health & well-being to side-hustles and overcoming adversity. Today, let me give you a little back story about myself in relation to mental health and career.
There are plenty of other blogs out there, but I thought that why not give it a go? It was a challenging thought to say the least. The landscape in which I have grown up is nullifyingly defeatist, tall poppy syndrome induced, overbearingly negatively suggested, and generally depressed. Those that speak up normally get shot down, so it was definitely an anxiety inducing decision to make.
When I was in high school we had to go and see a careers administrator - the first matrix plug I'd ever met first-hand. I'd been suspended once or twice, didn't agree with school, and never thought I would need it. There were some great times and made some great friends. However study was not on my personal agenda. Wreaking havoc was far more attractive. After receiving every form of punishment except expulsion I knew that I could get away with anything. So why try?
Well, this lovely assistant looked up my high school stats - which weren't that bad considering I spent my time setting fires with the Bunsen burners, smoking cigarettes on the field and getting arrested on-site. (more about that in another blog)
She said: "It appears you have good written, verbal, practical, and social skills John" - or something like that. "So what is it that you would like to do when you leave school?"
Me: "I want to be a race car driver miss"
Her: "More rational goals will help you here John"
Me: "Well, I wouldn't mind doing something creative, you know, with my hands?"
Her: "Agreed. I think it would be best for you to jump into learning a trade John. That is the best way for you to succeed in life"
A trade, while not a bad thing, was almost seen as the highest possible level of achievement at my school. They weren't developing lawyers and directors, that's for sure. It was "get into horticulture to become a farmer" or "learn a hands-on role and you're set for life"
In fact, we named our school "goon high" - short for the small town of Rangiora. The school had some amazing teachers, and I'm sure has produced some great results - however, I found my way to fit in was with the misfits.
I left that day thinking: "A trade? Are you kidding me? Is that the best we can do?" I pondered this as I got on the bus home, eager to race indoors, forget about my homework and plug into my Xbox to play some Halo.
My behavioural issues continued, I couldn't focus no matter how hard I tried, and kept getting into trouble for breaking the rules. A while later I was asked politely to leave the school after receiving a couple hundred hours of community service for robbing someone's house. The ingenious idea was thought up by me and a group of friends because they were unhappy with their father.
Luckily I have the best and most forgiving mother on this planet. She worked extremely hard my whole life, was dedicated, educated, travelled, and excellent in her field. She found the opportunity for me to complete my community service while working with her employer in another department. We were able to carpool together, and being 16 this was the greatest opportunity to learn to drive a manual car. Plus we got to spend some valuable time together, something I feel we don't cherish enough when young.
Soon after completing my community service hours quota, I created my role in this workplace. We received donated items and listed them for auction to raise funds for the business. This gave me some great new skills. However, after a while I grew bored and it was time to go and chase that dream, to learn a trade.
I went to polytech, completed a level 2 NCEA pre-trade course, got a job in the industry, and began the level 3 NCEA qualification. It was to become an electrician. And I was building switchboards. I completed all of the practical assessments and most of the theory-based, then it got pretty hard. One thing we forgot about at school was that I was put in the classes for the "special kids" who needed more help to pass their units.
We called it cabbage class, and one of the ones I was in, was math. For this level 3 course I needed a lot of math skills, and it took a lot of energy. We got into AC and DC theory, (which are both quite interesting topics to me now) We played around with a Tesla coil, and I got pretty good at calculating electrical equations over time.
However the night classes were killing me. I would have to work a 40-hour workweek (God forbid) and attend a Wednesday night class which would mean no dinner. On top of this, I was managing to have a girlfriend too! a BIG distraction at the time.
Anyway, with the challenges of time and math, I threw in the towel, then soon after I lost my job, and my driver's license for boy racing.
Skip forward 10 years and I'm now discovering that "getting a trade" was a great suggestion but it set such limiting beliefs in myself. How dare they put me in that box, while gaining some great skills it limited my thoughts for most of my adult life.
After the electrician thing, I tried the mechanic thing. Got to level 3 NCEA and made the move to start my own business. A huge step up for me, "I don't need to finish my qualification if I hire a mechanic" I said.
The dreams of running my own workshop had come true.
This was my greatest dream: to escape the slavery I watched others endure and build a life for my family. There was no other way out in my opinion, the options were to work for somebody until you get to the pearly gates or try to escape in some way.
Cars have become a great hobby of mine, and to this day I love working on them, driving them, tinkering and enjoying them. I actually see humans a little bit like cars. If the timing of the head is out, the whole system goes haywire. If the alignment is off, we head in the wrong direction and wear out our tyres.
When I was 24 I sabotaged the relationship with my girlfriend at the time, and ended up losing that business as well as my first home, and fell into a depression.
It took a couple of years to rebuild, and I managed to get a pretty good job working for a car yard in my hometown as a logistics manager.
About 2 years later I lost that job too, and fell further into my self-pity. I had the idea to start up a courier run, "I can't work with people anymore" I exclaimed. Running my own business has now become the only way to escape in my mind.
Then it all came crashing down again. I was 27, my friends had taken me to the hospital during an episode, and my wonderful mother mentioned earlier came to pick me up.
Her, my friends, and the medical team all said "You're moving cities to stay with your mother" So off I went to start again. 27 years old and living back at my parents.
After healing for a few weeks and landing new jobs, I began working in bars, receiving the qualifications in professional boozing, and all the great things that come with the party life.
I worked for a bar that got shut down due to its antics. And then moved on to various restaurants, I took on a temporary store manager role in which I was constructively dismissed for taking a day off over Christmas.
Meanwhile, during that Christmas break, I managed to get into trouble again by running away from the police when they put their lights on to pull me over as I mistakenly turned the wrong way, down a one-way street.
My health had declined significantly since I was younger, my cholesterol was high, and I was sick all of the time with various chest infections, I got COVID-19, then post-COVID pneumonia, and continued on partying regardless.
I had lost all sense of myself, the darker version of my soul had taken over. The light glimpsed through me like an echo from a harp string being gently plucked.
Moving from trade to trade, business to business, all while battling with myself, my mind and my drinking was exhausting.
Over the years there had been various police call-outs, I had lost friends through my antics, hurt and damaged relationships, been to emergency rooms and psychological spaces.
It was a hard run, I was hurting, I couldn't get over that major breakup that went with the first house and business. I had conducted myself in such a way that I couldn't seem to forgive myself for.
There were obviously good times and serendipitous moments throughout, and I met some lifelong friends, however, I never had myself and that caused me downfall after downfall.
Eventually it dawned on me. "If I don't make a change, this is what it'll look like until I come up to an untimely end" I was working a 4 hour shift at my friends restaurant, my heart and head pounding, was struggling for breath, my energy level non-existent, and the 200m walk to work was too much.
I had no car or drivers license, and felt like a right screw up. My new girlfriend had to take me to all my appointments, and earlier on in the year she had to take me for one of those hospital visits, she saw me at my worst. Her and my mother would come home on Sundays to check in on me, "is he breathing" They would ask each other.
Truly blessed to have them by my side - as I write this, a deep level of appreciation waves over me, and I don't know how I would be here today without their support.
Anyway, I knew that had change had to happen, it was life or death in my mind. On a last-ditch effort to save my life, I would quit smoking, vaping, drinking, drugs and all things party. I would remove negative influences from all media, remove news channels, go to counselling, eat better, and start working out.
All at once this was a genuinely huge shock to my system, however I pressed on. Creating a TikTok account called Life Liberated to follow the journey.
Now I am over 9 months into my sobriety, and the effects of anxiety, depression, and whatever else are wearing off. I still feel like an imposter in my own life. But now I have a deeper understanding of myself and the world around me. I love more, and my family means the world to me.
Every time my mother or partner asks to do something with me, my instant response is yes. I owe them everything, but most of all, I owe it to myself. I lost so long not believing in myself. If I just had that one thing this entire time, self-belief, it would have saved me from all the hurt, from all the mistakes, from all the substances, and from all the attempts to remove myself from the running. If I just believed in myself none of this would have happened.
But, then I may not have realised my mission, to inspire others to grow and change, to help, to teach, and to preach this message that you can begin to love yourself for a better life. It's all possible, and I know this because I've done it! I've bloody done it!
To sum it all up, here is what I have realised.
People will try to limit your beliefs to keep you on their level.
New Zealand has a famine mindset - if you have 'x' - you must be taking it from 'y'.
We are worth more to the big industries fat, lazy, anxious, and depressed.
Alcohol companies and bars PREY on hard times. Here's what one of my old bar bosses said to me (I'll write about him in the future) "Well John, we can't wait for the market to crash, cause every time we hit financial hardships our profits go up"
Our families want the best for us, but they have seen people rise and they have seen people fall, they want you to be safe, however, safe will NEVER allow you to escape.
The five people you spend the most time with, are who you are destined to become.
Try to find a boss that will help you grow, not keep you in an endless carrot chasing pursuit just to never reach their level.
Mental health is so important, when we leave it by the wayside, it will floor us. Leaving us by the wayside.
People won't always listen to you, show them.
Keep your eyes out for snakes.
The greatest opportunities in life are the ones that teach and grow us, not in wealth, but in experience.
Find a way to believe in yourself, and if you can't do that, try to start doing small things every day that serve you. I promise it works.
Set yourself challenges like eating better for 30 days, not drinking, and cutting out the toxic and negative biased friends.
Fixing yourself is NOT selfish, and if anyone makes you feel bad for working on yourself REMOVE them too.
It's not normal to be so burned out by your life that you cry at work.
It's okay to take time off.
It's okay to mess everything up, but you MUST learn from it.
Nobody is coming to save you.
And most of all, ASPIRE DAILY to ACHIEVE YOUR TRUEST GREATNESS.
J.
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